sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
