swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
