fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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