Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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