Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
