he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
