It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
