The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
