I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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