I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
