When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
