my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
