how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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