my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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