Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
