After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
