Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
