woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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