the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
