I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
