things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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