He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
