What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
