i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
