I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
