I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
