I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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