You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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