Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
