I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I supernannyed him into submission
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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