i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The uberlube is also flammable
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
