i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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