My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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