You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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