There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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