i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
