(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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