There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drunk is not a location!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
there is puke in my bra ... again
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
