I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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