grandma shit on top of the toilet
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
