what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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