Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
