How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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