Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
