her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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