Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
