Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
