Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
