i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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