News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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