Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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