I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
