He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize