you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Vodka?
Forever.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
