The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
