hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
