apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
