my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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