so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
